First Year of Marriage doesn't have to be Horrible 2

Indeed the first year of marriage shouldn’t be a drab. Embark on an intimacy journey. Intimacy is a close personal relationship that exists between two people. Intimacy is something personal or private that you do or say. In intimacy there is closeness and trust which happens through an exchange of values. In Genesis 2:18, we hear these words echo across the centuries, still vitally relevant to our relationships today: "The LORD God said, 'It is not good for the man to be alone. I will make a helper suitable for him.’” Consider that the Hebrew word for helper is ezer — remarkably, the same word used in Psalm 11v8:7: "The LORD is with me; he is my helper (ezer)." Keeping this idea in mind reinforces the essential role we play within our sacred partnership. The blessing of friendship and tenderness in marriage honors this unchanging truth: A wife's loving companionship was designed by God to meet her husband's number one relationship need: intimacy.

GOALS

v  Emotional intimacy

v  Intellectual intimacy

v  Spiritual intimacy

v  Recreational intimacy

Action Tasks

Take the initiative

Be the driver of this first year period and direct the activities like a pilot guides an aircraft. In every relationship, one person is always the open person. This person suggests to the other person what they want to do or what they want to happen, they are also called the initiator. There is always an initiator in every relationship, even if both of you want the same thing because somebody has to be the first one to ask something. One of the ways to focus on intimacy in your relationship is to be more open. Therefore, you need to take the initiative and be the person who starts the opening up process. Go up to your spouse and talk to them about what you would like to see happen and how you think it can happen, get your spouse to open up to you about their needs and desires as well. Write out people & places you intend to visit; put a timeline on each visit and what you want to achieve; show her your itinerary and allow her inputs and draw up a final list together.

Make it a period of Sexual and Non-sexual Physical touch

You need to make sure that there is plenty of physical contact in your first year of marriage, just because you are married does not mean that you cannot show each other affection. In a relationship, no type of physical contact is considered too small. In addition, no matter who you are, you need some type of physical contact, such as holding hands, even a hug, or a quick kiss on the cheek. Don't let physical contact fall by the way side; holding hands may not seem that intimate, but as humans we need physical contact whether it's a hug, hand-holding or just a casual caress. Each day, deliberately and consciously do some non-sexual physical touches: hugs, patting on the hand or back; a touch on the cheek, etc.

No silent treatment

 The Silent Treatment doesn't benefit anyone - and remember when you punish your spouse, you are also punishing yourself. Sometimes it’s possible to become quiet, yet nothing is wrong. However, we have a push to go silent, become a cemetery when we want to go into our shell and not express how we feel. Assume good intentions - even when you don't understand what is going on or why your spouse is saying things, assume good intentions until otherwise notified. So, talk about what makes you withdrawn when you do; talk about what can draw you out when you are withdrawn, tell her what can prevent you going into your shell and show  her the signs to know when you are about to go into your shell or already there. Make today a little noisy with her and the kids. Play hide and seek; play cards together and even a little scrabble in doors.

Communicate what you want from

Use “I” language to communicate your needs each day and always. Don’t assume your spouse knows what you want and how you want it. Be deliberate with your speech and words. Use targeted and measurable words like: “I want you to kiss my lips after food’; “I want you to have sex with me in the shower.” Decide to be adventurous, ask your spouse to do certain things with you that you fantasize about, that can nourish you; ask him/her to do something he/she has never done with you romantically; ask him/her to ask you to do something romantically with him/her she has never even planned but that can help her feel good and relaxed.

Give up unrealistic expectations

Have to do with shape, weight; romance, emotional needs and others. Say it out and tell him/her you were wrong. You were trying to make him/her into another person that he/she can’t and will never be. If he/she truly loves you, he/she would understand your needs and wants and know what to say or there are certain things you feel he/she should be, do and offer you which he/she can’t. It may do to meet your needs and wants, which was what you thought. So, speak out those unrealistic expectations and tell him/her, you just want him/her to be real and natural in his/her comfortable world.

Do a self-disclosure test

Marriage presents countless opportunities for self-disclosure due to the differences between you and your spouse. But a truly intimate relationship only occurs when you show up as the real you. It’s a leap of faith, yes, but it’s the only pathway to true intimacy. Self-disclosure is exactly what it is when you are revealing yourself, be it thoughts, beliefs, ideas, reactions – in the presence of another person. But true, self-disclosure also involves a bit more. It involves a willingness to reveal myself to another AND take responsibility for myself in relationship with them. Say things like: “I feel abandoned when you tell me you’re going to do something with your friends and I’m not invited to join. So, reveal what your true feelings are. Tell him/her what you really fear inside. Tell him/her where you were in the relationship before now (prepare to receive a slight tense reaction, but manage it if it occurs). Hold hands and pray about yourselves and emotions for 40 minutes.

Seek understanding of yourself and your spouse

Many times the complaint about lack of intimacy is actually the inability to tolerate the intense awareness of self and/or other. When he/she tells you that she has no interest in what you do for instance, knowing full well that you love it, what happens to you? Do you feel rejected and unloved? Do you appreciate her willingness to tell you who she is, whether you like it or not? Do you immediately plan to give up what you do . . . or make someone to fill up the gap? Accept that she is not you, and you can both love her, and love what you do too. Seeking understanding is often a demand for her to understand you the way you understand yourself. so:

v  Accept him/her the way he/she is – mention specifics about her you would have loved changed, but, you now accept its part of who she is. Allow her do the same for you too

v  Make him/her understand what you yourself haven’t figured out about yourself. Take her   into a journey of your own self-discovery and what you have found out about yourself she needs to know.

Just be grateful

Make a long list of things you are grateful for in your life that can be traced to him/her. Begin from the very little and almost insignificant and make a mountain out of it. Just do a song and dance it out in front of everyone. Make this gratitude time also very public. So, - Tell the siblings what she has made you become; tell your kids to help you celebrate her; drink and toast something in the house with everyone to the world’s best friend and wife; visit the card shops near the tube station alone or with someone and just buy three lovely cards of gratitude for morning time, noon time and night time.

Alone with God

Study entire book of songs of Solomon together. From each chapter and Verse by verse ask probing questions of what you have leant and the change you promise to make. Prayer is a great driver of relationships and heart mender. Spend this period alone with yourselves in prayer. Spend time to consider Bible expectations for your love life and friendship. Take time to pray about your hurts and worries. Lay hands on each other as you take turns to minister, prophesy and pour out heavenly virtues into the other person. Take time to worship and just enjoy the presence of one another with God.

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About Chika Ossai;

Chika Diokpala Ossai-Ugbah is a trained and ordained Minister of the Nigerian Baptist Convention and Senior Pastor of Covenant Life Baptist Church Benin City, Edo State, Nigeria. An Associate Fellow of Chartered Institute of Mediators and Conciliators and a Distinguished Fellow of the Institute of Attitudinal Change Managers of Nigeria (DFACM).
Chika is married to Ngozi, his wife and they are blessed with two beautiful children